Saturday, October 09, 2004
I bought a CD from Fo guang yuan on impulse. At first after listening to it for the first time, I immediately banished it to the corner of the shelf for I found teh songs unsuited to my taste. But i decided to give it another chance, and i put it back onto my radio and it's still there, playing, soothing me with Master Xingyun's words of wisdom. It may be about his life, but I found that some of teh songs struck a chord in my heart. Guess it's the same with life... First impressions can costs you a friend or an experience of a lifetime. But when you actually take the leap and give the person another chance, you find that that they're almost as precious as the triple gem itself. :) i've formulated opinions far to quickly in the past and looking back, i realised that i've wasted precious time that could have been spent cementing the friendship . But then again, regret shouldn't be on the cards, coz after the experience, you'll come to treasure the friendship even more...
After the past few weeks, i've been forced to reexamine my views on BGRs. I used to think that BGRs were all flowers, cuddling, holding hands and being head over heels in love with that significant other. I always knew subconsciously that there was something greater than all that.. but denial drove it into the background.
It's like having a connection to the other person.. a permanent connection that you've to work on mantaining. Everything you feel, everything you need.. you will expect a reaction from that significant other that compliments your desires. Sometimes they managed to anticipate the change and choose the appropriate response ( think supplementary motor cortex) .. but sometimes, they get serious apraxia. Sometimes, they get agnosia... sometimes they juz don't see you squirming in discomfort, or your clenched fist and teeth... ( anterior cingulate cortex lesion) Sometimes they simply close their eyes. ( lid drop) And because you expect something so much more, you start seething.
It's normal to form expectations of another person.. but sometimes , i guess we make mistakes and form an unsuitable level of expectation because we're blinded by love or because we're blinded by our desire. We form attachments to our self.. we define things as 'ours" and because of that, we can't let go.. we don't see the impermanence of everything.. of their actions, of their words, of our relatinpshsip with them.. and that causes so much grief and hurt.
regardless of any type of form you can perceive
they are all just illusions
if you are able to realise these forms are of false existence
you'll understand the truth of emptiness
the diamond sutra
SOmetimes the karma of two people are just not meant to be entwined. the cause and conditions prevent the meeting of 2 hearts.. holding on to that, expecting the love to be reciprocated will juz tear you apart. you can love someone, you can show all your care and compassion to them,but you can't expect them to reciprocate that.. i think that's really really really difficult to achieve, but it's the Bodhisattva path, and i think i'll try to walk that way if i am ever faced again with that situation...
On a less spiritual note...
I'ts hard to find the balance how much you wanna invest in a person.. It's hard to see the future.. it's hard to work out your dreams when you're still so young. If you put in all you have, you stand to lose more.. if you put in less, you'll never know how much you could have had..
I think sometimes we're kinda selfish to initiate relationships.. if you don't think about the future.. you could juz set off a series of events that result in someone getting hurt real bad. i'ts not just about liking someone and getting the person..
if you really loved someone, you would have thought carefully about how much you were gonna hurt her in the future before making any decisions. love aint' just about passion.. it's a responsibilyt and a commitment.. and when you have made that commitment.. it's just a darn plain obligation to keep communication open right to the end and made sure the person alright before you walk out. It's juz unfair to create a mess and just leave .in the first place.. the mess shouldn't have been created if one had given it serious thought.
to those who have been hurt...
There are so many stars in teh sky,
you had love only for a certain one.
but
look carefully
stars are brightest when they are in teh darkest of night
plum blossoms are the most fragrant when ti's at the coldest of time
Where do we go in life
any direciton matters not
if you are willing to let go of your attachment
a carefree mind shall live in a world so wide
ok.. the chinese version sounds better.. this is one of those direct translations.. this was a song that i foudn on my new cd..
Anyway.. my mom was saying to me.. you guys are still young.. even if you have had a bad experience.. it's all just part of life.. The road ahead is still long.. and the expereince ( good or bad) will help you navigate in teh future. the right one for you is out there somewhere.. so don't be disheartened just because the first grape was sour.. i'ts all a matter of time.
Yup. ti's a matter of time.. and karma , the bad karma has become right it has passed.. may your merits acrue good karma for good tidings int eh future..
:) so don't give up hope on love ( oh yez.. slipslap. xl the love cynic is actually sayin ghtat.. get out the tape recorder!!!)
on a personal note...
i realise i still haven't got my goals in life set down yet. i realise i don't have the ability to commit to anything and i don't have the right to inititae anything because i'm still not as settled as i like to be. I don't know where i'll be in the future.. i don't know how much my work will eat into my life..
even for the next couple of years, i'll be shuttling between melb and singapore. not that i regret making this decsion.. i love both places.. but i don't think i can actually commit to having someone being part of my life wherever my geographical location .. so yeah. i was telling my mom after one of those " why-don't - you -look-for a bf- talks".. i don't think i'm ready for one, i don't think i even want one in the near future
i realise i have difficulty prioritising frens and work as it is.. I feel really bad when i place work first.. I realise i stupid i can be sometimes.. how selfish i am.. wat's a test result vs. a fren who needs you? i 'll sacrifice , but i'll do it grudgingly.. and i hate myself for doing that. i'm trying to change i wish i could be a better fren.
After the past few weeks, i've been forced to reexamine my views on BGRs. I used to think that BGRs were all flowers, cuddling, holding hands and being head over heels in love with that significant other. I always knew subconsciously that there was something greater than all that.. but denial drove it into the background.
It's like having a connection to the other person.. a permanent connection that you've to work on mantaining. Everything you feel, everything you need.. you will expect a reaction from that significant other that compliments your desires. Sometimes they managed to anticipate the change and choose the appropriate response ( think supplementary motor cortex) .. but sometimes, they get serious apraxia. Sometimes, they get agnosia... sometimes they juz don't see you squirming in discomfort, or your clenched fist and teeth... ( anterior cingulate cortex lesion) Sometimes they simply close their eyes. ( lid drop) And because you expect something so much more, you start seething.
It's normal to form expectations of another person.. but sometimes , i guess we make mistakes and form an unsuitable level of expectation because we're blinded by love or because we're blinded by our desire. We form attachments to our self.. we define things as 'ours" and because of that, we can't let go.. we don't see the impermanence of everything.. of their actions, of their words, of our relatinpshsip with them.. and that causes so much grief and hurt.
regardless of any type of form you can perceive
they are all just illusions
if you are able to realise these forms are of false existence
you'll understand the truth of emptiness
the diamond sutra
SOmetimes the karma of two people are just not meant to be entwined. the cause and conditions prevent the meeting of 2 hearts.. holding on to that, expecting the love to be reciprocated will juz tear you apart. you can love someone, you can show all your care and compassion to them,but you can't expect them to reciprocate that.. i think that's really really really difficult to achieve, but it's the Bodhisattva path, and i think i'll try to walk that way if i am ever faced again with that situation...
On a less spiritual note...
I'ts hard to find the balance how much you wanna invest in a person.. It's hard to see the future.. it's hard to work out your dreams when you're still so young. If you put in all you have, you stand to lose more.. if you put in less, you'll never know how much you could have had..
I think sometimes we're kinda selfish to initiate relationships.. if you don't think about the future.. you could juz set off a series of events that result in someone getting hurt real bad. i'ts not just about liking someone and getting the person..
if you really loved someone, you would have thought carefully about how much you were gonna hurt her in the future before making any decisions. love aint' just about passion.. it's a responsibilyt and a commitment.. and when you have made that commitment.. it's just a darn plain obligation to keep communication open right to the end and made sure the person alright before you walk out. It's juz unfair to create a mess and just leave .in the first place.. the mess shouldn't have been created if one had given it serious thought.
to those who have been hurt...
There are so many stars in teh sky,
you had love only for a certain one.
but
look carefully
stars are brightest when they are in teh darkest of night
plum blossoms are the most fragrant when ti's at the coldest of time
Where do we go in life
any direciton matters not
if you are willing to let go of your attachment
a carefree mind shall live in a world so wide
ok.. the chinese version sounds better.. this is one of those direct translations.. this was a song that i foudn on my new cd..
Anyway.. my mom was saying to me.. you guys are still young.. even if you have had a bad experience.. it's all just part of life.. The road ahead is still long.. and the expereince ( good or bad) will help you navigate in teh future. the right one for you is out there somewhere.. so don't be disheartened just because the first grape was sour.. i'ts all a matter of time.
Yup. ti's a matter of time.. and karma , the bad karma has become right it has passed.. may your merits acrue good karma for good tidings int eh future..
:) so don't give up hope on love ( oh yez.. slipslap. xl the love cynic is actually sayin ghtat.. get out the tape recorder!!!)
on a personal note...
i realise i still haven't got my goals in life set down yet. i realise i don't have the ability to commit to anything and i don't have the right to inititae anything because i'm still not as settled as i like to be. I don't know where i'll be in the future.. i don't know how much my work will eat into my life..
even for the next couple of years, i'll be shuttling between melb and singapore. not that i regret making this decsion.. i love both places.. but i don't think i can actually commit to having someone being part of my life wherever my geographical location .. so yeah. i was telling my mom after one of those " why-don't - you -look-for a bf- talks".. i don't think i'm ready for one, i don't think i even want one in the near future
i realise i have difficulty prioritising frens and work as it is.. I feel really bad when i place work first.. I realise i stupid i can be sometimes.. how selfish i am.. wat's a test result vs. a fren who needs you? i 'll sacrifice , but i'll do it grudgingly.. and i hate myself for doing that. i'm trying to change i wish i could be a better fren.
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