Wednesday, March 16, 2005
" If only i could turn back time"
I fight a daily battle with time. 24 hours a day is simply not enuff. I struggle to allocate time for eveyrthing in my life.. for sleep.. for eating.. for dancing.. for spending with my baobei ( guitar in case you were wondering) .. and the huge chunk of coz to muggin.
But somehow, only the last task seem to be warrented the right to take up my 24 hours a day. I"ve been sneakily taking parts of the other time slots to feed this ever hungry beast. Time for sleeping as been steadily decreasing .. From waking up in the middle of every night drenched from head to toe in cold sweat, from opening my eyes at 6am and being unable to return to my slumber, and ffrom the pile of books that awaits on my desk, glaring at me day and night, berating me for having the audicity to leave it for one sec.
Even eating or taking a bath as become a gauntlet i have to achieve in a certain amount of time. at 6pm, the race begins to complete everything in the least amout of time feasible. So in goes the food into the pots and pan, into the sink they go , into the fridge goes lunch. dash down to throw rubbish, dash up to have a shower.. dash to the laundry area to wash... sit down.. and open up my books and feel bad for taking longer than i should.
I can't do recreational activities without this nagging feeling of guilt. No matter where I am, be it having dinner with my frens, singing with my youth group, or even joggin in teh park.. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that this time should be spent on these activites tat would do my grades no good.
THe only place and time i feel at ease is my nightly prayers to Buddha. That is the only time and place i can retreat into where time can't reach me anymore. It passes, no doubt, as conditions change constantly, but my consciousness is with the ENlightened one, protected from the ravages of this hungry and impatient monster of time.
Things have a way of sneaking out of your grasp the more you try to mantain a grip on them. ANd constantly trying to control and compare would only bring you suffering.
And i suffer. for not being able to deal with the one thign that this life depends on. Tick tock tick tock.. listen to Gwen Stefani's song..Damn i feel guilty. i shouldn't even be online!
..." you can plan ahead but by becoming attached to a conclusion you project for yourself will only serve to bring you grief. .".. Dr Eric Chan , from a Dharma talk.
I fight a daily battle with time. 24 hours a day is simply not enuff. I struggle to allocate time for eveyrthing in my life.. for sleep.. for eating.. for dancing.. for spending with my baobei ( guitar in case you were wondering) .. and the huge chunk of coz to muggin.
But somehow, only the last task seem to be warrented the right to take up my 24 hours a day. I"ve been sneakily taking parts of the other time slots to feed this ever hungry beast. Time for sleeping as been steadily decreasing .. From waking up in the middle of every night drenched from head to toe in cold sweat, from opening my eyes at 6am and being unable to return to my slumber, and ffrom the pile of books that awaits on my desk, glaring at me day and night, berating me for having the audicity to leave it for one sec.
Even eating or taking a bath as become a gauntlet i have to achieve in a certain amount of time. at 6pm, the race begins to complete everything in the least amout of time feasible. So in goes the food into the pots and pan, into the sink they go , into the fridge goes lunch. dash down to throw rubbish, dash up to have a shower.. dash to the laundry area to wash... sit down.. and open up my books and feel bad for taking longer than i should.
I can't do recreational activities without this nagging feeling of guilt. No matter where I am, be it having dinner with my frens, singing with my youth group, or even joggin in teh park.. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that this time should be spent on these activites tat would do my grades no good.
THe only place and time i feel at ease is my nightly prayers to Buddha. That is the only time and place i can retreat into where time can't reach me anymore. It passes, no doubt, as conditions change constantly, but my consciousness is with the ENlightened one, protected from the ravages of this hungry and impatient monster of time.
Things have a way of sneaking out of your grasp the more you try to mantain a grip on them. ANd constantly trying to control and compare would only bring you suffering.
And i suffer. for not being able to deal with the one thign that this life depends on. Tick tock tick tock.. listen to Gwen Stefani's song..Damn i feel guilty. i shouldn't even be online!
..." you can plan ahead but by becoming attached to a conclusion you project for yourself will only serve to bring you grief. .".. Dr Eric Chan , from a Dharma talk.
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